Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize