sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I wish you could order shots online.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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