I need to stop coming to work sober
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
