you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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