drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
