meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
