So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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