My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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