i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize