Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
