Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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