he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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