did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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