Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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