I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Randomize
