I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
