either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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