based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
