After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
There's always time for handjobs
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
