he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
