I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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