we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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