peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my being single is dangerous.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
