dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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