Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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