I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
