guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
