Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
