i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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