so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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