I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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