You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
