you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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