The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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