i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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