so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
as a side note pls kill me
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
