You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
In America we eat man semen.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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