You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Randomize
