I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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