we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
worst night to have a conscience
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
We were destined to go to rehab together
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
