It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My ass is underappreciated
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
