A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
