Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
