My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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