Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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