The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
