Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
