Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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