Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
