I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You took a bar mat shot.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
