I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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