So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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