Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
