i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
