I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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