I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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